I did not casually happen to him. I was gifted, a present, shared like the newness of Spring and we began a love that isn’t too easy to explain. In the famous words of those too bent on not going into detail, “it’s complicated.” I knew what love was before meeting him, I just never experienced it the way he was so freely giving it. And, in the specks of light, shining like the end of a tunnel’s path, I found peace in the corners of his smile.
I graduated from a southern university with a Bachelor of Science in Psychology and a Minor in Writing, longing for passion and the senseless craziness the mind has to offer on cloudy, cold nights. He was my essence. When we broke up the first time, a best friend assured me that the pain would pass, that time would do what it is supposed to, heal all wounds. However, in my case, time did not heal anything. I practiced the art of talking to myself, not yet answering, but talking nonetheless, and we… could not find what we had that gave me hope and peace.
I lost myself in him and that was my first mistake. I do not recall the when I just know it happened. And, when I began searching for myself once again, I was no longer there. I had poured my heart’s beats into a living, breathing being who sucked it up, grew stronger, and left me feeling empty. Feeling empty. It is my only description of where I was during a time I was supposed to be at my happiest. I was young, full of energy, loaded with knowledge and the only thing I could think of was him.
There were others. They all came along years after him, galloping in on horses not too familiar with my presence. Knights in unfamiliar armor. I could not assure them of their safety, not in my state. I no longer knew the easiness that accompanied settling. I found a bubble, gathered all of my things, moved into a calm space, and never left, until one day… Until the rain came, thunderous in its arrival, certain of its pitter patter. It unshackled me and since then, I have been walking steadily on sure footing. The beginning is here again. And, I am ready.