I will take care of it…
*Yolanda Adams’ Be Still on repeat*
The oldest child is glue. When the family begins to crumble —
She, being child-adult, adult-child holds them together.
She has to. Not Mama, not Daddy. They passed the torch to
She is heavy with their rules, their regulations.
7 is not a round number. 7 is complete. It is whole.
She is the first of 7. She knows peace in the comfort of her home,
Because outside of it, are the 6 who still
A phone call… Gimme this or gimme that. “Sis, can you take me here?”
“I really wanna go there.”
“I NEED MONEY FOR…”
And, it is never-ending.
The elders query, “you ain’t gonna pop out no babies of your own?”
“You ain’t gonna get married?” “Start a family?” “Be more than what you are?”
But, I’ve been more than I should have been WAY before I should have been it.
My children are grown.
Not mine, but mine. All mine, by blood.
Working parents who do not see daylight made this so.
They trusted me. I did not want to let them down, so…
I DID WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO.
Live-in baby-sitter, on-site tutor, short order cook. You name it, I was it…
FOR MY BROTHERS.
All the while, I stood in desperate need of an escape. God became my best friend. My solace. The peace I searched for years prior to the weight of growing up, was staring me in my questioning face.
Be still and know
Just be still and know
I will never leave your side
I will never make you cry
You’ve got to know I already know
The plans I have to make you thrive
give you hope and Peace of mind
You must be still
It is only now that I have begun truly listening. When you are tired of one getting arrested, the other constantly asking for money, the other struggling to make ends meet with his wife and you wanna jump in and take care of things because that’s what you do and you cannot, you… sit still.. and you, just breathe.
This is not of your control.
You are not the one to handle this.
You have done enough.
You have to let them go.
Letting go is the hardest part for
Until, it loses its hold.
And I, have lost all hold on things.