“I can’t have kids.” He didn’t say anything. He just held me tighter and before I knew it, I could feel his tears hitting my shoulder. We stood there for fifteen minutes. No one spoke. Not a word was needed. Then finally, he said…
“As long as I have you, I’ll be all right.”
The next hour was made up of us leaning into each exhale, feeling ourselves lose pieces of our soul. I watched them crumble bit by bit in the smallness of our living room. Where would we find healing? Why am I even thinking about this while I rest in the ups and downs of Ty’s chest? I am going through Premature Menopause. Premature. Before time. I should have sought help when I noticed the shifts and changes of my menstrual cycle. I should have made that appointment several months ago. When was my last full period? Why didn’t it last more than a day? Why was I only spotting each month, no real blood flow? My sleeping habits have changed. I have been getting hot in cold places, cold in hot spaces…But, I never made that call, never even picked up the phone. This. Is. My. Fault.
Ty was whispering something to me as I calmly let the thoughts pass me by. He was weak for me, yet so damn strong. How could he stand here with me, childless, less of a woman? How could he want to still be with me knowing that I would not be able to give him a son, a daughter, both? I finally heard him, it was so clear.
“Aja, we cannot let this be our confirmation. Let’s seek a second opinion. One from another physician not linked to your OBGYN. I am not ready to fully commit to this being the final decision for our lives.” The pessimist tapped into my mind, but, what if it is?
This is Ty. He is the thinker in our marriage, the pursuer of all things positive. I am much more comfortable not having someone further reassure me of my own downfall. But not Ty. You will not break him easily. He has a heart of steel, stronger than armor. I fell in love with this quality of his so much more than all of the others. I wanted to believe him, wanted to say, “Yes baby, let’s do that.” But, my mouth was sewn shut. I hummed a tune from my favorite movie instead and the tears began falling again.
“Baby, I don’t know what you’re feeling. I cannot know. Your tears, though, I… I aim to stop them. Just let me.”
And while he pleaded with my swollen eyes, kissed my puffy cheeks, and worked his way into my sealed lips, I lost myself in his embrace. I slowly agreed. What could be the worst of it all? I already have the news I only want to forget. He danced me into a calmer space, rubbing my back, humming along with me. We danced there, in the eyes of only God, waiting for peace to announce itself.
“Ty, I do not want to lose you.”
I couldn’t stop the words. Before I knew it, they had escaped my mouth. Only the remnants of their formation existed. He caught them with his eyes, settling into the pain that must’ve taken up residency in one second. I felt him pull me closer and with that gesture, he said…
“God couldn’t move me. I am here to stay.”
And, now we can heal.