I couldn’t stop the words. Before I knew it, they had escaped my mouth. Only the remnants of their formation existed. He caught them with his eyes, settling into the pain that must’ve taken up residency in one second. I felt him pull me closer and with that gesture, he said…
“God couldn’t move me. I am here to stay.”
And, now we can heal.
The night came with her eyes pressed gently to our skin. We hummed a tune fitting for sleep and rested until morning. So many tears have fallen and I fear that this morning will only be worse. As I will myself from the bed, I can hear Ty already up and about, showering. He is singing something, vaguely, I can hear the lyrics, and I smile. My mighty knight, he doesn’t seem to have a care in the world. But, I am up with the shakes, shivers, and shits. I am not calm by any means and I won’t be anytime soon.
“Baby, you up?”
He shouts from the bathroom, worried about me. This is his greeting to me.
“I am. You save some hot water for me?”
“I think there’s a little bit left. Are you going to call around for another specialist or should I?”
Sighs. He is on top of things. Yearning to kill two birds, three, if he can, with one stone. I am still settled into the bleakness of yesterday’s woes. I am silent for too long.
“Baby, did you hear me? Are you going to call around for…”
I interrupt him with an abruptness he did not expect. My words glass, slicing at the center.
“I heard you the first time, Ty! Can I at least breathe first before you body me with demands first thing in the morning!?!?”
I didn’t mean to be crass. I know his heart is in the right place, but this ain’t his diagnosis. It’s mine. He’s interested in solving a problem, which happens to be me, and he wants to do it quickly. The door opens. He is half-dressed and approaching me with a look of concern on his face. He leans in to kiss me and I forget where I am.
“Aja. I know I can be a bit forward. I know I can rush into things. I just want to be sure we cross all of our Ts and dot as many Is as possible. I am trying to help. But, if you want me to back off a bit, I will. You just say the word, baby. I promise you, it’ll be done.”
Preparation is a hard thing. I know what has to be done. I know we need another opinion to ease his mind. In a way, I am okay with the first one, not wanting children is easier to profess with my current situation. It is much harder to tell your husband you are not interested in Mommying anyone other than yourself and him.
“I didn’t mean to snap at you. This is all too much for me. And, I know you want me to move like water, flowing freely. But, baby… I move at my own pace and I am not interested in hearing the same thing I heard yesterday. Can I just please take a day? I’ll start tomorrow.”
“Do what you need to.”
He is calm when he says this to me. No particular look on his face. No unusual breaths. I feel a bit guilty for my outburst and give him an extra kiss. He isn’t moved and I don’t blame him.