Only two people really know what I’ve been going through of late with a certain someone and one of them got herself so worked up about it, she wanted to strongarm me. I had let someone defeat me. The love of that person. The wanting. To want and love someone and seemingly be wanted and loved, but not wanted (only loved) in actuality, is an awful thing. It takes shape. It grows wings. It has talons. And if you let it, it will claw the shit outta you. I was allowing it to do that to me.
I almost never lose control or my cool. I lost both. For this person, I lost both. And for what? Pain. Undeniable, biting at your feet, pain. The day I said, “I need a break from you, a week or two, not long.” I was faced with evidence that clearly showed I was needed, but not wanted. Let me repeat that; needed, but not wanted. Two totally different things. I’d rather be wanted than needed any day. But, I was not wanted.
Recently, as in, three weeks ago, I told God, “do what you want. I am done. I do not want to feel this anymore.” I have good enough sense to wait these kinds of things out, so I waited. I listened, a week later, the pain began to subside. I am learning to love this person again without wanting them. To make things worse, we were friends, close friends. I will speak freely here, it is the most humbling thing to be told, that you matter. You hear that. From countless people. You know that. But, that one… that one you truly want to say it, finally says it, and you know that you do. It’s sad. What we allow love and emotion to do in its rawest form to us, is sad sometimes. I told myself that I would wait. I would wait until they wanted me.
Then. Like I was supposed to, I snapped out of it. I am more than hours, minutes, and seconds. I deserve to be loved as deeply and freely as I give it. I am an ocean of passion and I will not box it all up and store it away for a dream. Epiphany. Reflection. Self-Evaluation. Those two people were telling me what to do about it, but I had to realize what I really needed to do about it.
I know this. None of what’s being said to you will push you in the direction you truly know you need to go. To live. To fight. To know that sooner or later, your match, your true match will arrive. None of what we are saying will do that instantly. It’ll take time and it will take you knowing that you are MORE than what she’s ground you into. Dust. Dirt. Sand. To be blown away by breath and a cupped hand. You have to dig yourself out.
In time. You will. I am doing it. It is not easy. It is a long road to journey on one’s own, but it is so worth it. I’d rather continue to be single than hang at the tit of unwantedness. It isn’t becoming. It never will be. Plus, I did not want to lose a friend. Sometimes we have to realize everyone isn’t going to want us in a way we feel that they should. And, that is a blow too hard to take. Ego does not want it. But, it is the truth.
Without a shadow of doubt, I can tell you that I feel you will be okay. Not today. Not tomorrow. Maybe not even in a year. But, you will be okay. I feel that. And when I feel something strongly, something I know will birth positive results, it’s usually so. I am a praying fool, so I will be praying for you. Healing will come. In time, it will come. In the meantime, feel what you need to. Leave that alcohol alone because it’s only going to drag you back to the Hell you’ve been living overnight. It does things you will never forgive yourself for. You are an amazing person. I want what’s best for you. It wasn’t her. If it was, this post wouldn’t exist. Your best is coming, but you have to prepare for it. In time. You will.
You have my attention. You have always had it. But now, it is heightened. Peace, Heath.