Must be my lucky day.
During our evening walk, OUR being Jernee and I, I found a penny head’s up. There it was, sitting on gravel, caked with dust, begging to be viewed.
The face-up, copper not so copper anymore. I picked it up, examined its lack of luster, and held it between my index finger and thumb. It has years of stories on its back.
EONS OF WORRY
I could tell it was my lucky day! A penny, head’s up!
This hasn’t happened in years. Jernee looked up at me with caution in those globes I call eyes and watched me fill with glee at something so simple.
SOMETHING SO NEW
To me. It then became a brand NEW day. She bounced along on smaller than small paws, eager to catch up with the happiness in my step. We were on a mission.
MAMA’S GOTTA HEAD’S UP PENNY IN HER HAND!
When she realized that my step quickened, that I was shifting faster than I had before, she huffed at me. She was not happy with the change.
She is getting older. In dog years, she has me beat. It is odd watching her age. She is still agile enough to make me lose the heartiest of wind. My pace is not the same. However, she… knew this head’s up penny would be her end all, be all.
IT DID ME IN!
Happiness like this hasn’t crept into these bones in some time now. I have been moving sort of faintly through life barely breathing without you. May and October are the worst months.
But, if you would have seen this penny. This penny, head’s up, you would have nudged at me to grab it before you.
“You are younger. You need more good luck than I do.”
But, I think you were wrong. Dying while I was 23, still wet behind the ears.
Dying when I needed you most.
Dying when I just couldn’t bear to lose you.
DYING WITHOUT TAKING ME WITH YOU.
And, as we continue on a path, Jernee and I, a high hill greets us like it normally does. We scale it. Breaths patterned. Hearts racing. I see you looking down on us.
Watching cautiously, knowing that I will not steer Jernee wrong.
But, I still need a little guidance from you. You are willing to give it. October is not far away. I am visiting Theresa and her family the weekend of your death.
JUST TO GET AWAY.
I cannot stay here, not alone. Not another year without you.
And, while I finger the head’s up penny, happy to have found it, happy to hold it close to me…
I remember how frugal you were.
You saved so much, spent so little.
Today was my lucky day. I thought of you
And, not one tear fell.
Author’s Note: I am unraveling. It happens twice a year. However, I love the process of writing it out. I am happy to be in the presence of the following: Natalie Rogers, Heather Nann, Gemma Kennedy, Emjay Em, and Savanna D'Amato.