When They Come For Me, I’m Not Here

The lingering souls… They pace at the very core of my mind, no ceasing. It is noon, an hour of sun and disaster, and I have not found my favorite hoodie to don for a day of forgetting you. I am usually up, running around, trying to find my peace, but today is a different day. The gloom of it all whispers, but loudly in my ears. Whoever thought divorce could yield such ambiguous feelings. I will never forget what you said to me the day before we signed the papers…It was poetry. It was art. The fluidity of your words still remain. I wear them on my fingertips; the touch is titillating:

You carry a razor under your tongue-

Sharp with words.

Why do you love me one minute,

Hate me the next,

Then wonder why I want to be

Far away from you?

Then wonder why I want to be far away from you? I say this to myself to remind me that this was the moment I lost it. It being my sanity. I watched it gather the luggage(gifted to us by your mother for our 10th wedding anniversary), pack the essence of you neatly into sectioned spaces, then haul you off to someone else willing to love ME out of your system. Shortly after, we divided everything 50/50, I stayed here in this house… I cannot call it home. You aren’t here to fill it with laughter. You aren’t here to fill it with song. You just aren’t here and I am struggling to get a grip on this.

My job, gone. My friends, gone. My family, hanging on, but by the thinnest bit of thread. And, why? Because I put all of ME into all of YOU and the moment, I did that, the souls of others crept in. I was no longer myself.

You carry a razor under your tongue-

Sharp with words.

The truth is, I cut you. I struck you with my words more than I took your air. I wish I would have known then what I know now, but the souls are chanting. They tell me of a time when you and I were young enough to wallow in the glow of our scents, but much too hard headed to simply stay there. I want to get back to that place. I haven’t forgotten the innocence of its existence. I know the smell. I cherish it.

But, I am forbidden to see you in the perfect light. You will not come for me.

Why do you love me one minute,

Hate me the next,

I no longer have a home. So, when they come for me, I will not be here.

Author’s note: I’m toying with a bit of fiction. I was listening to a compilation of Gospel singers during this write. These are the results.

Written by

I’m more than breath & bones, I’m nectar in waiting — Owner ACG •Editor PSILY •Writing for the cosmos. •https://acorneredgurl.com

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